It is hard to believe it has only been four year since I lost my mother. It feels like that void has been there for so long. . . so long since I have been able to call on the phone, chat, get advice, talk about how things are going, tell her about her grandchildren. How is it that she never met Erik? That Lilly only has a few memories? It must be more than four years – but it isn’t. In this area time has just moved so slowly.

When I got that call four years ago to come home, that my mother had gone downhill and didn’t have much time left, I was surprised. I had been down visiting just days before and although she wasn’t doing well, I had thought we had more time. That Tuesday, those who could make it to her bedside did. We talked about our memories – fun times and sad times. We sad quietly with her. We cried. We laughed. We felt anger, numbness, emptiness about what was to happen, what the last 5-years fighting cancer had been like, losing the battle. We felt thanks, joy, gratitude for this wonderful yet complex woman who made such a mark on our lives. We laid our hands on her, taking her hand in ours. We said goodbye.

That night I sat next to her for a long time silently listening to her breathing, wondering if it was her last one – if it would stop – wanting to be there if it was her last – wanting her to not feel alone. But it didn’t stop. Finally logic prevailed upon me to go to bed because it would only be more difficult to do what I must the next day. There would be a list of to-dos, people to call, a funeral to help plan, all while being a daughter, sister, wife and mother. Being without sleep would make it so much harder. I left her next to my dad, who was already asleep, to die in peace. I went to bed knowing that when I woke up, she would be gone – and indeed she was.

Despite the sadness in the days to follow I captured moments that have brought me joy when I look back on them. My oldest daughter who had a deep connection with my mom was simply amazing at her funeral. During the visitation, she walked right up to the casket, held my mom’s head and talked with her for such a long time. And then during the service when people were invited to speak about my mom, she did in front of 200+ plus people, telling them exactly why she loved her grandmother. It was amazing to witness and a testament to their love for each other.

Another happy memory from that day. . .of all things – playing cow racing on the Wii. Watching my Aunts trying their best at such a silly thing as racing cows . . it gave all of us that much needed hiatus from reality.

So four years. . .it has gone quickly. . . it has inched along. I am relived she is out of pain yet angry and sad she is gone. It simply sucks being without a mom, my mom, but somehow we are finding our way. Somehow.

I am doing a shoot tomorrow and part of it will be in the “amber room” at the Guthrie. It reminded me that I had been there once before with some fellow photographers and the boy. I hadn’t blogged these pictures yet, so I thought it was a good time to. He looks so much smaller/younger in these pictures yet I can see he was full of wonder and determination. It is amazing to think it was just about six months ago. . .  As a side note – the Metrodome ceiling had just collapsed, which you can see in the picture below.

Let me start by saying that I don’t normally take my child to a session. It just so happened that I was photographing my sister-in-law and her family. After their shoot we wanted to get a picture of all the cousins, so mid-way through my SIL’s shoot my husband stopped by the our kids. What happened next was hilarious and only made better by the fact it was caught “on film”.

BTW – I love how in the first picture you can already tell they see my son’s approach. . .and “swan dive” is probably the best way to describe what he did. Luckily no one was hurt; it was good for a laugh.

Loosing a tooth is such a tangible reminder that your little one is growing up. It is a bittersweet time for me. I had plenty of time to prepare for the event as the tooth had been wiggling in there for several weeks. My daughter was nervous about pulling it out, so we waited and waited. Finally last night she decided she wanted to have me try and see if it would come out. It was good and ready – so I just have it a little push and out it came.

She is very excited now and is asking everyone how they think she looks with her missing tooth. The one next to it is also loose – so I would image she will enter school with both of them gone.

With four birthdays in 6 weeks in just our immediate family, the idea of having one big party with extended family to celebrate all summer birthdays was well received. . . and so the first annual Birthday Bubble Bash was planned. Grandma had bought the bubbles thinking the kids would have fun with them. We (well, mostly just the hubby) make pulled pork and other tasty meat morsels. Others brought fruit, veggies, chips and a five-story cake! Needless to say, the BBB was a huge success!

Check out all those gigantic bubbles the kids made – not to mention how you could blow bubbles with just your hands! And of course what would any party be without a frog?

We have a fun little tradition that has started in our family. Each Father’s Day we go to Murphy’s Landing to see “the old people” as my daughter’s affectionately call them. We tour the houses set up as they were decades ago. We talk with the people in costume – this year we met Abe Lincoln. There are animal pelts, spinning wheels and even a game of baseball. My daughter even got in trouble for talking while the teacher was talking and had to place her nose on the caulk board at the front of the schoolhouse. That got her attention!

The weather was amazing this year. I snapped a couple fun pictures of the crew. My poor husband being a good sport:

My oldest daughter is the only one of our children who has light-colored eyes. They are so pretty to photography:

Meeting Abe:

At the farmer’s market today my oldest spied some rhubarb and was determined to make something with it. We decided on cobbler decorated with dough cut outs of girls, cats and circles.

Before & after: